A Christ Haunted Atheist

I came across a fascinating short film featuring Anne Rice on iamsecond.com. I was actually following a link tweeted by Huffington Post focusing on another celebrity's story of redemption. I stopped in my tracks when I saw her name featured on a website specifically committed to filming personal Christian testimonies. Interview with a Vampire, that Anne Rice? Yep. Anne Rice, American author of gothic fiction and erotica. The talented writer accepted Christ after 38 years as a renowned atheist. In the film she shares her theological and creative exploration that lead her to finding her freedom in Christ, (click here to watch). Below is one of my favorite statements from the film.  

"Sometimes my books are referred to as the vampire chronicles and they're spoken of as a series, but it's not an organized series. Each book is sort of a standalone story and I think each one of the vampire novels tells pretty much the same story of grief, loss and suffering. [The novels] kind of revolt against the darkness of a life without God. I didn't see that until I had been writing for quite a long time. But that's what those novels were about. Of course what these books were doing- they were reflecting my own feelings as an atheist/ agnostic and that I was cut off from God and that I couldn't ever believe again as I had when I was a child. [They were also reflecting] my own increasing dissatisfaction with a world in which salvation is not a possibility. The reason for that dissatisfaction was simple; I really believed in God. Not only did I really believe in him, I loved Him.. and I wasn't admitting it. I was a Christ haunted person; I was a Christ haunted atheist. I was a person haunted by God and my writing is just littered with accoutrements of the struggle. And yet, there is evidence that I was called back again and again to the idea that as long as you're denying God, you'll not know any rest; you'll not know any peace. You can't save yourself through art. You can not save yourself through music- you can't do it through travel; you can't do it through wealth. All of your attempts at saving and transcending through other means will ultimately fail. God saves you when you turn to him. After 38 years [presumably around age 56], I found myself very ready to give my life over to him." -Anne Rice

Judging by the comments on the video, it seems as though this was filmed after she famously ranted in a Facebook post that she "gave up christianity", (specifically Roman Catholicism). Oh, by the way, DON'T be fooled by the finality of that statement, Anne Rice continually confirms that she remains committed to Christ, but is disassociating herself from the political agenda that has become what 'Christianity' is assumed to represent. The author reiterated that her faith in Christ was "central" to her life. 

"My conversion from a pessimistic atheist lost in a world I didn't understand to an optimistic believer in a universe created and sustained by a loving God is crucial to me," she said. "But following Christ does not mean following His followers. Christ is infinitely more important than Christianity and always will be, no matter what Christianity is, has been, or might become." Read more about the context of this statement on thegaurdian.com

I love these types of stories, these types of testaments that reveal a deep struggle with important questions and painful explorations that brutally exhaust the soul. I love them because I believe in the promise, "if you seek, you shall find". Most of all I believe that all truth is Gods truth.  

Redemption Wednesday

I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you. 

Isaiah 44:22

"We please Him most, not by frantically trying to make ourselves good, but by throwing ourselves into His arms with all our imperfections and believing that he understands everything--and still loves us." 

-A. W. Tozer

"I do not understand the mystery of grace -- only that it meets us where we are and does not leave us where it found us." 

-Anne Lamott

Redemption Wednesday

"Flood Damage" illustrated by Derek Hess

"We are too much haunted by ourselves, projecting the central shadow of self on everything around us. And then comes the Gospel to rescue us from this selfishness. Redemption is this, to forget self in God."

-Frederick W. Robertson 

Redemption Wednesday

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.' To this day, especially in times of 'disaster,' I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers - so many caring people in this world."

- Mister Rogers

Redemption Wednesday

I took that picture of the double rainbow as we flew through it just before landing in Fayetteville, AR. From above it looks beautiful, but for us, for our marriage, that place represents the darkest and most painful time of our life. As we were flying, I had my feet tucked under his knees, he was creating an entire island that spelled, "I LOVE MANDA" on Minecraft. Visit that photo on my Instagram here if you want to witness that nerd love. But see, that's us now. We crack each other up, we call each other out on dumb crap and we encourage one another. We are so thankful for each other now, I wont go into our past because it's a long and sad story (and not that important really). Just trust me when I say, God swooped into our souls and gave us brand spankin' new hearts. We would have gladly finalized our divorce if we were the same people that we were three years ago, but we are surely not (no thanks to us). To me those rainbows illustrated John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

peace is beautifully complex

I think all of us have the recent tragic events of the Northeast on our heart or at least somewhere in the darker recesses of our mind. I also think of the Venezuelan side of my family and all of the political trouble they've been facing. I wasn't looking for a message of hope, but found one while listening to an old sermon today. What struck me was a passage quoted from an American theologian that was noted at the end. I think being reminded of the beautiful complexity of the Lord's peace is profoundly encouraging, especially in the midst of a frightened world who's simple version of peace isn't substantial enough to have a solid connection to hope. I hope the passage below finds you well as it did me.

 Below is the passage regarding John 14:27 from Frederick Buechner's Journey Toward Wholeness.

Picture Jesus at the Last Supper: he had every reason to believe that the end was upon him, and we see him looking around at his friends who will all betray him and saying, "Peace I leave with you," he says, when you would have thought he had no peace at all anywhere. "My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid" (John 14:27).

The kind of peace that the world gives is the peace we experience when for a little time the world happens to be peaceful. It is a peace that lasts for only as long as the peaceful time lasts, because as soon as the peaceful time ends, the peace ends with it. The peace that Jesus offers, on the other hand, has nothing to do with the things that are going on at the moment when he offers to give it, which are for the most part tragic and terrible things. It is, instead, a peace beyond the reach of the tragic and terrible. It is a profound and inward peace that sees with unflinching clarity the tragic and terrible things that are happening and yet is not shattered by them. It is a peace that looks out at the friends, whom he loves enough to be concerned more for their frightened and troubled hearts than he is for his own, and yet his love for his friends is no more where his peace comes from than his impending torture and death are where his peace will be destroyed. The place that his peace comes from is not the world but something whole and holy within himself, which sees the world also as whole and holy because deep beneath all the broken and unholy things that are happening in it, even as he speaks, Jesus sees what he calls the kingdom of God.

fear of decay

Recently, I decided to become more of a "serious" artist, (Read last post for reference).I took a workshop after years of putting it off due to fear of decaying skills that was a result of putting it off. What a horrible cycular pattern! Let me just tell you, fear is not only crippling, but also a WAIST OF TIME. Yes, my skills somewhat decayed, it's fine. I'll gladly trade my pride and self-righteousness for the opportunity to keep and use what's left of my skill-set for something MUCH GREATER than my pettiness. In this newfound appreciation, I realized that my heart is on a hunt to discover more thoughtful content related to connecting creativity with Christ. It's a complicated mess being a Christian artist and I need all the help I can get. With that being said, I was delighted to listen to something that gave me peace about the way I've treated my talents, and hope for moving forward. What I stumbled upon was this sermon, click here to hear Isaac Anderson's full sermon entitled, "Birth".

Below is the "snip-it" that resounded with me in regards to my hesitation of using God's gifts:

  (I DO need to have more faith). But here is the other thing that I’ve internalized as a result of having this experience over and over and over: The fact that I continue to be so doubtful, the fact that I continue to be so skeptical that God is actually with me, to be so disbelieving.. It just puts the grace of God- for me it makes the grace of God in my life so astounding to me, so ridiculously astounding! The fact that he would continue to provide for me when I continue to think he’s not going to?! And so what I’ve started to learn slowly but surely in this process is that if I’m in a speaking moment and I have something to say that ends up being a gift to somebody else it’s not because I’ve made all the right decisions along the way. It’s not because I’ve had the right spiritual posture the whole time. It’s because God made a decision to come to me where I was and to bless me as I was and to fold my skepticism into the story of his faithfulness. It’s because of His posture towards me, it’s because He has decided to show his fidelity to me again.  So ultimately the story there is not about my strength, it’s not about my ingenuity, my creativity, my intelligence. The story actually is about the opposite of that, it’s about my weakness and His strength. It’s about my faithlessness and His faithfulness. The writing on the wall in my life is GRACE, it says “Grace”.

note: I painted "Anna Melissa" summer of 2010. She's one of my last paintings before I took Dad's workshop in March of 2013.